New Year, Same Me.

Happy 2021. We’re here.

I’m hoping this post will help someone. Do what? I’m not sure. Realize you’re not alone? Realize this virus is real? Who knows? Maybe I’m just writing it for me. 

I had CoVid-19 in March. A while ago. When I had it - it felt flu-ish but not. Started with a migraine, then body pain, then slight fever, tiny, tiny cough. I went to the hospital, but after spending a half of a day there and not being tested (because there were no tests at that time) I was sent home saying I had something “non contagious” and to just lay low.

The next day I lost my smell and taste. Though I felt “ill” for a week and half, I could literally then smell and taste the virus (weird right?) lingering in me for a bit. My Therapist experienced the same thing. It was like dirty socks. 

My breathing was fine. Weirdly enough - I was able to breathe the best I ever could, mainly because it dried me out completely. Couldn’t smell or taste anything but was breathing beautifully.

Then I tried doing an at home 20 minute workout. Simple. Done them before and I’m used to much more intense workouts. I’m an active guy. I’m a singer. I know how to breathe. Halfway through this workout - it was as if I was hit by a train. Dripping sweat profusely, extremely winded, and quite honestly - felt like I had to barf. 

Didn’t think that was normal. 

I’m the type of person that’s like, “I have a massive headache and I’m not going to tell a soul because that’s a waste of everyone’s time and it’ll work itself out.” So, with that mindset I was experiencing things that didn’t seem right but not insane. Maybe it’s Zoom fatigue. Maybe it’s just fatigue. Depression? Anxiety?

When they were made accessible, I had already become symptom-free.  I took my first official test.. Negative. Positive for antibodies. Every test since has been negative for the virus. Even after I met my 89 year old Nanny at her apartment to take care of her after her month long check in to Long Island Jewish with CoVid... I was still negative. 

But then, throughout the months I started to notice those weird post-symptoms more and more. And now - all of a sudden, my breathing was not good. I’d be sitting on the couch and I’d lose my breath. I’d walk to Food Town on my block and be winded. Tight chest. Low lung capacity. Get up and shower. Winded. This wouldn’t happen everyday. Sometimes I’d go a week without this, but then I’d have two weeks straight. No rhyme or reason. 

Exhaustion. 
Body pain.
Shortness of breath.
No cough. No fever. Negative over and over. So why am I still feeling like this?
Then I read about the long haulers and how long haulers were feeling and I was like omg am I a long hauler? 

Holy shit I think I am. 

Phase two of business reopening allowed small businesses to start up again and I was clawing to get back to work. So I did. And honestly when I did, I felt free. I get tested regularly, wear masks in the studio, take temperature at the door, and require clients to fill out a questionnaire similar to what you’d see in an airport. 

The client would leave - and almost immediately, I’d have to nap. And then I’d be on the couch for the rest of the night. 

On top of the studio open, I had started running two podcasts, pre-pro for a few projects, teaching workshops, virtual appearances, editing and filming virtual productions, a self tape here and there, and now writing for Backstage - My boyfriend Remy joked that I had been busier than ever. And he might be right. 

And now, in the latter half of the year, the poor breathing has gotten better but it’s not back to normal. But now - it’s consistent lower body pain from 6pm on, exhaustion, brain fog (fuck that!), and bleeding out of places I shouldn’t be bleeding from. 

It took my primary care doctor about three visits before they took my claims seriously. Even when I was like, “can I get an EKG?” They looked at me and said, “What do you need an EKG for?”

I’m looking for a new primary care doctor.  

Social media is the biggest way I get work. I don’t advertise outside of social media, but I am aware of posting work opportunities I’m proud of while others are experiencing some of the worst moments of their lives. Moving out of the city. Closing up shop. I’m proud of the work I’ve done this year, and I hope I’ve inspired people to push through, but I’m equally as proud of the people who made a change that was required of them. 

But I will say - working saved my fucking life. When I have a client, or when I’m editing, or having a Zoom meeting, I forget. My legs don’t hurt. I’m focused. I’m back to normal. But when I’m left with my thoughts, and I can check in - it’s very clear I have been left with something I have to deal with head on beginning in 2021. 

We’ve collectively been through a massive trauma. Incredible. Bewildering. Catastrophic. And yet some don’t believe any of this is real. I wonder what it’s like to have that outlook. I really don’t want to find out. 

I’ve spoken with people - parents who refuse to wear a mask and say it’s “inevitable that my family will get it but it’s just like the flu”. Or another woman who said, “it’s no more scary than the flu.” The flu has never left me feeling this way. Your words are severely irresponsible.  And I hope it doesn’t take burying a loved one for you to realize that. 

I write this post in hopes to help someone. If you or a loved one are experiencing these things and you have no idea why, let’s chat. I’m also writing this to feel less alone. So, let me know if you’re out there.

I’m seeing a few highly recommended specialists in the New Year and we can trade secrets. I am going to be okay because I have to be. And I want to be. And we’re all going to heal together. I love you.